Breaking Dawn reviewed

I guess my brain will never work right but at least I'm pretty.

---Bella Swan

It's over, it's finally over.  I've read the infernal series and I have hated allowing myself to see worth in New Moon and Eclipse after suffering through the abomination that was Twilight.  At first one thing kept me going and that was reading the TV Tropes page for the Twilight series and seeing what happened in Breaking Dawn, today's subject, which showed me that awesome part I have been babbling about time and time again.  Now I have read it!  I can stop obsessing over what may have happened and see it with my own eyes!  I am free!  Well, not yet but I will be once we dig into the last Twilight book, Breaking Dawn.

After everything that Edward and Bella has been through with Edward being the EXTREME!!!111!!! vampire that he is, the Indians are all werewolves and those other vampires wanted to kill Bella that climaxes with one of them creating an army of vampires to do kill Bella, the happy, idiotic bride and Edward, the abusive, lack of personality groom are getting married.  Then they have their honeymoon which finally results them having some sex which leads Bella to be horribly bruised and pregnant which piss off the werewolves but Jacob decides to rebel and become his own leader or something.  The point is that I will now discuss this awesome part that I wanted to read so bad so steel yourselves for your head may explode or you will puke since it is graphic and I probably have issues.

So Bella's baby is literally growing way too fast for her pathetic body to hold and everyone but her and Rosalie wants the baby to be aborted!  But stupid girly and blonde heads prevail so there's going to be a new half-human/half-vampire baby on the way.  However, it's a kicker as it slowly breaks Bellas ribs one at a time for about three or four times but then it gets worse.  When girls are ready to birth their water usually breaks but not Bella...she pukes up a fountain of blood which scares the living hell out of Edward and Jacob, who's there for some reason but no matter.  So we find out that the baby is trying to kick and eat her way out of Bella which is violent enough to break Bella's spine and paralyze her from the waist down.  Now since the baby is part vampire the sac that houses the fetus has the same hard skin as the vampires so normal cutting instruments can cut it...except Edward's teeth.  You read that right, Edward uses his teeth to do a C-section operation on her.

You got all that?  Anyways, during the confusion of childbirth Edward finally makes Bella a vampire to "save" her life by putting his vampire venom in a syringe and jamming it in her heart...I know.  But Bella doesn't seem to mind as she discovers her vampire powers.  As for the baby, well it's growing and learning at an extremely accelerated pace...also, Jacob imprints on her.  If you remember what I said about imprinting at the Eclipse I did say it would get creepy and I wasn't kidding.  But since the tribe is smart enough not to kill the subject of imprinting the werewolves agree to a better truce...yay.  However, one group isn't laughing and that's The Voluturi.  Word gets to them about the child and they think it's a vampire child.  You see, long ago people thought turning in kids into a vampire would be a good thing and it wasn't which makes it something worthy of everyone's at The Voluturi to get involved and we're talking Gary Oldman yelling EVERYONE type of everyone.

Alright, I promise no more plot.  I think two words does describe this book and that is train wreck.  And I'm going to be nice and not even talk about the multitude of wrongness that having Bella conceive Edward's child is.  I mean, it's probably like jamming a Popsicle down there and then there's the 100 year old sperm.  There's a much bigger problem and it concerns Jacob.  He  is pretty much ruined since at the beginning of the book he's all emo with the standard emo emotions of rejection and hate.  It's even worse since the book is split into three parts and Jacob narrates the middle part.  I would be shocked if Jacob doesn't wear eye-liner in movie adaptation.  Then there's the imprinting and he's all happy again with the demon child...that's rapidly growing and will reach maturation at age 7 which is still creepy.  At least his chapter titles are amusing.

Then there's Bella's God Mode Sue when she becomes a vampire.  The newborns should take years upon years before they're somewhat human again because they're consumed with bloodlust but not Bella.  She skips all of that and is basically Bella with the need to drink blood every so often.  Her vampire powers have the Voluturi scared and drooling at its power at the same time.  Granted, her power is a shield that nothing can get through which is cool but you have a guy who controls peoples emotions, a random vampire that can control the elements and another random vampire that is a master of illusion.  Those are powers I would get first rather than Bella's shield.  The Voluturi were even drooling to get Alice's power...which they only do since Alice is a woman, what?  Her power is seeing the future as long as nobody changes their mind!  The character's awesome and the actress playing her is really hot but that power does suck.  And now I'm on a tangent so moving back to the main thread about Bella, she has become perfect in every way and she knows it.  She's even worse here than when she was a Mary Sue in the first Twilight book because of that self-awareness, like Sky-Net gaining self-awareness and inventing Terminators type of self-awareness.

This book is Bile Fascination at its finest.  It's long-winded, Jacob suffers here and a good portion of the book is boring.  There is some good things here if you want to look for them, mostly the climax even though it's horribly anti-climatic it's still suspenseful.  As much as the Jacob part bothered me it does work in a melodramatic soap opera kind of way.  As a finale to the series, it should've been much better but I think Meyer doesn't have the talent or the brains to end it with honor.  And with that, I am now finally free of the Twilight Saga.

PS:  I can think of three spin-offs off the top of my head that Meyer could do while riding out the Midnight Sun fiasco but she's too much of a dumb broad to do it.

5/10