So a week or so ago, I saw the Twilight movie and noticed it was like a crappy self-insert fan-fic. So like a rube, I wanted to see how bad the book without the movie blocking the worst tendencies of novels. So what did I learn from this? What do I see when I look into the fans eyes? Why did I bang my head on the book a few times out of frustration? Let's find out as we go into Twilight.
So our story begins with our Mary Sue...I mean Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington from Phoenix(I'll get to Bella's Mary Sue-ness a bit later). She's all awkward and clumsy and stuff like that but by some miracle she has her own guy following cause she's all hot and stuff but she doesn't get it....apparently she doesn't look at mirrors or any other reflective surfaces. But one day, she notices EDWARD CULLEN, the hottest guy on Earth, ours and all parallel Earths. But little does she know that he's a VAMPIRE!!!!!1111EXTREME!1!!1 Then she knows...then they date. Finally some other vampires try to kill Bella cause they're evil and they hunt the blood of humans, while the Cullen family hunt the blood of animals.....EXTREME!!!111!!!!
The first thing that you notice about this book is the quality of the writing.....IT'S HORRIBLE! And I'm not talking about the fancy things like plot, characterization or dialogue. I am talking about sentence construction, pacing and grammar. If you read any random sentence aloud, it just reads fake and stilted. And then there's the various subplots that don't have any payoffs, lead nowhere and in the end are pointless. Then there's the Tyler Crowley subplot, he was that black guy who almost crashed his van into Bella before Edward used his super speed to save her life, which is insulting. And no, I'm not going to play the race card in this cause Tyler's race wasn't specified in the book(just the movie) so I got to go with the interest in fairness. Anyways, to atone for his sin of nearly killing our plucky heroine, he wants to FORCIBLY take Bella to prom despite him telling him no to that other school dance and making her disinterest known to him in a fairly obvious way. Then he's conveniently ignores the obvious fact that Edward and Bella are DATING EXCLUSIVELY but it's fairly well known....that's not only delusional, that's insulting.
Now there's our hot, sexy vampire Edward who is an expert in manipulation and emotional abuse. What, he is? The first half of the book he's basically like "Hi we can be friends, just kidding. I'm sorry, want to be friends can we? Nah, just kidding. Alright, wanna date?" and then he insults her and tries to shoot her ideas at the climax. Sure there's good moments but he's just manipulating Bella's weak, girly emotions so she could justify his actions with "But he truly loves me!", like standing out of the window which isn't creepy at all. Then there's all the descriptions towards Edward and it's all very creepy, detailed and somewhat soft-porn at times. I don't wanna sit in the chair that Stephenie Meyer sat in while writing the Edward descriptions. The sad thing is that Edward's the most interesting character, not because he's the most developed character but everyone else is so boring. That book Meyer was working on with Twilight from Edward's perspective would've been awesome. Then it had to be leaked and Meyer had to be a brat and say "No, I can't work on it now so I'm going to kill the project. I'll kill it to death! I'll kill it so it won't be alive anymore, even!" I mentioned I'd get to Bella's Mary Sue-Ness and here it is: she can cook, is instantly popular, is instantly getting guys, has everything about her and she's clumsy...which is a classic Mary Sue trait to make Mary Sue's not Mary Sue's. And we she nearly gets killed by Tyler's death van, pretty much the whole school stops and they visit her! Why? She's only been in town a few days and now she's like ultra-popular....sigh. Everyone else, is not worth mentioning.
Well maybe the villains, if only how they just show up in a failed attempt to generate suspense. There's no build-up, no menance and the end-game just comes out of nowhere...for the most part and in the end, they're mostly pointless. I mean, Laurent just sits the big fight out(maybe he's the smart one), we're only told that Victoria is out doing stuff we never see her do stuff and James is the one we get to see do stuff and he traps Bella in a decent trap. Then he has gloat like a James Bond villain before Edward comes and they have an awesome fight. Oh wait, we don't get to see that cause Bella has to be unconscious and we only have to get little clues about it. Don't get me wrong that is fine, in theory, to imagine the fight based on the clues we're given. Let's see there's some a few sounds, later Edward tells Bella he's dead and then later there's a mention that the fighting place was burned down. THAT'S PATHETIC! What can we imagine from that? Then there was that build-up that James was the most lethal, dangerous and evil vampire from the three evil ones that we should've gotten a real knock-down, drag-out fight like the movie did...and then the movie fight ended with Alice tearing off James head, which was kinda cool, too cool for the book.
So in short, WATCH THE MOVIE! As mediocre as it is, it's better in every conceivable way. The cinematography is good, the chicks are hot and Robert Pattison is pretty good in it. Or you could listen to "Decode" by Paramore. That's a great song, the singer chick is hot and it's like cliffnotes version of Twilight, if it was awesome. If I had a stake, I would stake the book! If it was morning, I would throw it into the sun! If I had holy water, I would drown it! I mean anyone who likes this book doesn't know what love is, doesn't know what emotional abuse is and should just off themselves cause they won't find anyone like Edward to abuse them.
2/10
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