10. Above the Law
Yes, the plot is way too busy with drugs, church bombings, senatorial assinations and some evil bartender with a Flock of Seagulls haircut to make any real sense out of it other than people think that they are, get this, ABOVE THE LAW and to get any real entertainment out of it but it does lay the groundwork of all the rest of Steven Seagal's filmography. This is the prototype, the blueprint of all to follow. Seagal's crazy politics, here in the form of Nicaraguan drugs. Seagal's usually better co-star, Pam Grier, Sharon Stone and Michael Rooker....if you count a one-line bit part. A fight in a bar, here complete with Michael Rooker and his one line. Seagal's pony-tail, it's forming and if you squint you can make out the shape but it isn't complete yet. That's the real interest in Above the Law, how everything will relate in all of his future movies.
Top Death: Sure there's that part where Seagal drives reverse in a high-rise parking garage while a guy hangs off and then Seagal brakes and he goes out of the window falling to his death but I'm going to go with Henry Silva's death scene. Steven Seagal says he's going to break his neck and then breaks his neck!
Seagal movies you need to watch to enjoy: 5-7
9. Fire Down Below
Alright so there isn't too much in this as well as Steven Seagal is babbling about the environment, again. However, unlike On Deadly Ground, Seagal did not direct this and somebody better than Seagal took away some of the weaknesses of On Deadly Ground and added some strengths. Yes, Seagal does make a highly preachy speech but it's not really a lecture or horribly long this time even though he discovers some, get this, FIRE DOWN BELOW. Also, Kris Kristofferson is a better villian here than Michael Caine was even if he doesn't do as much except pour toxic waste down the hicks river....EVILLY. Also, Seagal does have one cool line in which he tells Kristofferson's son, who is also evil, that Kristofferson would trade him in for a pet monkey if he knew how stupid he was.
Top Death: Seagal sending a Mack truck down a cliff in the best vehicle chase in a Seagal movie.
Seagal movies you need to watch to enjoy: 5, but one of them must be On Deadly Ground
8. Today You Die
The first of the DTV Seagal movies on the list and for good reason. Most of the DTV Seagal movies usually lack action, have an incoherent plot and that they're boring, not here....so much. I mean the beginning and end is pretty actiony and entertaining but the middle kinda lags a bit as he teams up with his wacky rapper sidekick Treach from Naughty by Nature so he can tell people, get this, TODAY YOU DIE!!!! And yes, the plot is still incoherent. However, since the fight scenes and the car chase are so ridicilous that this movie survives the middle and the useless plot. Trust me, you haven't lived until you see people suddenly pop up only to be put down by Seagal.
Top Death: Well Treach has this one, some guy shoots him but he has no bullets so Treach uses this immortal one-liner "Oh no, you out of gas! AH HELL NAW, today you die! Motherfucker! Little bitch!" then he shoots him out of a really big building.
Seagal movies you need to watch to enjoy: 3 but one of them should be a horrible DTV film like The Foreigner, Attack Force or The Patriot.
7. Half Past Dead
So this is the movie that was going to follow-up Exit Wounds and all the credit for that movie's success was due to DMX. So the logic here and would reappear in Today You Die is that Seagal needs a wacky sidekick in the form of a rapper. Here it's Ja Rule...you know when he still had a career and something resembling street cred and before 50 Cent made him into a horrible joke. But I will say something strange, pretty most of the reasons I liked this is not due to Seagal. Seagal does have some moments, like dying and coming back to life so he can be, get this, HALF PAST DEAD, but I liked Morris Chesnut as the evil guy getting his revenge for Under Siege 2, I mean getting some gold out of a prison that Seagal and Ja Rule happen to be serving time there. And I maybe the only guy to say this, but I thought Kurupt was kinda funny here too. It's just a case of a pretty good supporting cast doing most of the work here.Top Death: Once again, not Seagal killing someone. Chesnut and some prisoner are in a helicopter but the prisoner has other plans....a sucide bombing!
Seagal movies you need to watch to enjoy: 0, you can start right in with this
6. Mercenary for Justice
What do you get when you combine Steven Seagal, the retard from Do the Right Thing and some crazy-ness that happens now and then. Why you get this movie! It may be the most gloriously empty-headed movie on the list but it is pretty entertaining. Seagal is a, get this, MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE who must do stuff for the Do the Right Thing retard or the family of one Seagal's mercenary friends that died will also die or something, the plot's also hard to follow. However, there are glimmers of the old Seagal sparkle where he breaks some arms and kicks some balls which are a nice touch....even if two of his lines were dubbed but at least it's not an Attack Force or Submerged situation where most of his lines were dubbed. This does encompass both the best and worst qualities of Seagal's DTV movies.Top Death: A French Ambassador's family picks the wrong day to be a family of a French Ambassador
Seagal movies you need to watch to enjoy: 1
5. Hard to Kill
All of these ideas and prototypes that appeared Above the Law have been more fleshed out here, but it finally figures out making a good movie and a simple plot. Steven Seagal is Mason Storm, awesome cop but some senator sent out evil men to kill Seagal and his family. They thought they succeeded but they didn't count on the fact that Seagal was, get this, HARD TO KILL!!!! So now, like the trailers say, the climate is right for REVENGE, having sex with Kelly LeBrock and taking the evil Senator to the bank...THE BLOOD BANK! But the climate wouldn't be right for seven years as Seagal lies in his coma with his beard and his hair flowing in his coma bed without the ponytail getting the way. I like this movie for the simple fact that it's more entertaining and more ridicilous than most of his movies....come on the blood bank one-liner?Top Death: Seagal stabs a guy with a pool cue
Seagal movies you need to watch to enjoy: 0, in fact this should be the very first Seagal movie you watch
4. Pistol Whipped
Now this is one of Seagal's most recent movies and also the closest we'll get for a revisionist look at Seagal movies like Unforgiven was to Clint Eastwood. Here, Seagal, who has been, get this, PISTOL WHIPPED by life is obviously fat, an alcoholic and a compulsive gambler who has repeatedly gambled away his last pennies. Then Lance Henriksen, yes that Lance Henriksen, makes him a hitman and he goes kills some people. Also some other things happen but unlike the rest of the DTV movies, it all flows smoothly for once. Also, Seagal is absolutely brutal here...like in the following dialogue.Seagal: Buried or cremated?
Bad Guy: Buried?
*Bad Guy slumps over dead. Seagal puts him into a car and blows it up.*
Seagal: You cremated now motherfucker!
That's awesome! He asks the guy his funeral plans only for him to disrespect them in a spectacular way. The Seagal of old wouldn't done it, he had honor and skinniness back then.
Top Death: Seagal breaks an Asian guy's neck, it's the simple things you treasure
Seagal movies you need to watch to enjoy: A lot, minimum 10
3. OUT FOR JUSTICE
Out for Justice could easily be about two guys just hanging out with some friends, going on adventures, smoking crack but you don't. You get William Forthsyte executing his evil plan the first five minutes of the movie and that's it. He just hangs around, smokes some crack, kill some people and partying with some hookers. Seagal must avenge his partner's death by hanging around, beating people up who aren't William Forthsyte and reporting to Jerry Orbach every once in a while to remind us he's a cop while he's going, get this, OUT FOR JUSTICE!!!! That's the beauty of it. Forthsyte already done his evil plan, he for the most part won. Now he's going to party like it's 1989 again while Seagal is trying to find him but he keeps getting distracted by beating people up and giving awesome monoluges to his wife that's he going to divorce but not really. It's the most atypical Seagal movie there is and that's kind of why it's pretty awesome.Top Death: Seagal jamming a corkscrew in William Forthyste's head.
Seagal movies you need to watch to enjoy: around 3
2. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
First off, I have seen the first Under Siege but I don't remember too much and I saw it on Network TV which kinda doesn't help me. I have said it wasn't too good but I need to re-watch it again to make sure. Alright now that the tangent's over, I will say that Eric Bogosian is a more fun villian than Tommy Lee Jones. He pretty much insults everyone in a slimy, sarcastic way that you don't see with super-villians that often. Seagal is also at his best with one-liners and broken bones as he finds himself, get this, UNDER SIEGE AND IN DARK TERRITORY TOO!!!! I can't quite put my finger on it but I just liked this film more than I probably should have.Top Death: Seagal grabs a bad guy's arm with a gun and then makes himself shoot himself in the head. That's how you make it look like sucide!
Seagal movies you need to watch to enjoy: At least the first Under Siege
1. Exit Wounds
I have said that this movie is a near-brillant send-up to Seagal and now I will defend those statements. The plot is pretty simple Seagal for he's a cop teaming up with his wacky rapper sidekick DMX to battle police corruption. Okay, the send-up is in the details as we follow Seagal. First off, he throws the Vice-President, who can't swim, into the river so he can save his life but he gets demoted to traffic cop. Then, he directs traffic into a car crash possibly breaking somebody's neck so he gets thrown to anger management where he rips the top of a desk off, in anger! I repeat, Seagal is in anger management and then more adventures follow including dodging a bullet like Neo. Finally he finds out that bullets leave, get this, EXIT WOUNDS!!!! The first time I saw this, I laughed so much and now every time I see it, I still laugh and I find new things to laugh at when watching this. Everything here is almost calculated to be both respectful and yet, over-the-top bat-shit insane in regard to Seagal. This really is near-brillant.Top Death: Seagal blowing up a helicopter using his standard issue police handgun
Seagal movies you need to watch to enjoy: The more you see the more brillant this is but a minimum of 4
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