Anatomy of a movie review

So those on the Facebook application Flixter or Movies or whatever it's called knows that I have reviewed a lot of movies. But I think an explanation of how I review those movies is in order....maybe for my own benefit or yours, I'm not sure yet but I will explain myself. My general guide for movie reviewing is pretty small but each rule is important.

1. See the movie on its terms, not yours.
2. Entertaining movies are better than boring ones, even if they suck.
3. Does the movie believe it makes sense?
4. Am I noticably smarter than the movie?

That's it, two rules and two questions while watching the movie so now I'm going to explain each guide one-by-one.

1. See the movie on its terms, not yours.

This is the most important rule out there. When I see a movie I forget all the hype, the track record of the cast and crew & whatever baggage the movie still has. I let the movie wash all over me and try to pretend it's the best movie it can possibly be. Granted that illusion is usually shattered by the first frame but it's a more healthy attitude than giving in to whatever people are saying about it. I'll give you an example, a couple days ago I reviewed In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale a movie directed by Uwe Boll. I know the legend of Boll and I agree that Alone in the Dark is a horrible, horrible movie but I watched it anyways for a bad director can luck out and make a good movie & a good director can fail miserably with a horrible movie. Lucky for me, Dungeon Siege was just mediocre or in Boll terms, "The best movie EVVEEERRRR!!!!!" and I'm sure in 20 years, people will say that Dungeon Siege was just mediocre.

2. Entertaining movies are better than boring ones, even if they suck.

When I see a movie I want to be entertained, nothing else matters. Yeah, a movie like Road House, The Marine or Hercules in New York are horrible but they are so horribly entertaining that I don't care for I'm too busy laughing at it's horrible-ness. Now on the flip-side of the coin I've seen way too many so-called "classics" that are so boring that I don't see how people love it so much. It may have done everything right but if it can't entertain that's the whole ball-game and you have lost me forever. I mean I was bored senseless by All About Eve, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre and countless others. Very rarely will I give a good score to a boring movie ever.

3. Does the movie believe it makes sense?

There's a difference in a movie making sense and a movie believing it makes sense. Now yes, your movie SHOULD make sense but in some cases a movie can survive being incoherent if it rigorously believes it makes sense. Here's an example, Young Guns. I know stuff happens like they take drugs, Lou Diamond Phillips is an Indian, Jack Palance is evil but I can't tell you why that stuff happens. I can't follow the movie's logic but the movie is so hellbent on believe its internal logic makes sense that its conviction bounces off the movie and into me and I don't care that movie makes no sense cause it's fun. But that's a rare case of "fake it until you make it" and not something I actually want in a movie.

4. Am I noticably smarter than the movie?

When I said that I let a movie wash all over me, whether the movie is predictable or has obvious plot holes I usually don't notice but I have my limit. If even I can predict something correctly or see something that doesn't make sense that's kinda where I get pissy. The last thing I want is to know that I am smarter than a movie and there goes the whole ball game there as well. There's Cold Creek Manor that is a textbook example of me being noticably smarter than a movie, everything was laid out and choreographed in a sickly obvious manner that I got angry...granted a lot of other things sucked but that's what stands out so much for me.

Now I have explained my guide and rules, lastly I'll tell you what my ratings actually mean out of 10 or five-stars with half-star divisions.

10 - Perfection
9 - Really great but not quite perfect
8 - Really good, border-line great
7 - good, something I recommend
6 - almost good, something that fans of whoever would like more than non-fans
5 - Mediocre
4 - a couple interesting ideas or scenes in a sea of crap
3 - bad
2 - horrible
1 - WHY GOD HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US?!!!!!

There you have it, the anatomy of my movie reviews.