Songs from the Crystal Cave reviewed

Hey kids, you know the actor Steven Seagal right?  He's the guy who broke somebody's neck in various movies that are usually three words long.  And he's done most of his neck-breaking while grossly overweight.  I even made a top 10 list of  my favorite Seagal movies right here but that should probably be updated but I digress.  The main point is that Steven Seagal also plays music!  And it's not neck-breakings cued up to sound like music but actual music...or more specifically, the blues!  And now here I am about to listen to his first album...and yes, by that I mean he's made more than one which we'll get to in a few weeks.  But for now, let's focus on Songs from the Crystal Cave!

1.  Girl It's Alright(***/****) -Well, from the opening it has a nice, easy-going guitar riff and some chicks singing about how it's alright.  Then Steven Seagal comes in and breaks your neck!  Alright, I'm lying he's singing and he's not that bad.  This is pretty much, a nice easy-going song to go along with it's riff where it's quite pleasant to listen to.    And that's the main word, pleasant.  Any bad moods I had just went away as Seagal used song to break any adversity's neck instead of his hands.

2.  Don't You Cry(***1/2/****) -You guys remember On Deadly Ground right?  That movie in which Steven Seagal directed about breaking necks while protecting the environment?  Yeah, it totally sucks despite some laughable moments of awesome but the message was there about the environment and how it should totally be protected before Al Gore went insane and did it himself.  What does this have to do with this song, it's about the environment disguised as a love song!  He sings about living in the oceans and skies and ask how we share this common space?  And yet, this song soars with great musicianship and amazing backup vocals that makes the listener feel like flying.  However, Seagal's vocals aren't up to scratch here and his voice seems to be cracking when he goes really high.  But aside that, it's just a really well-made pop song.

3.  Music(**/****) -This song has a great twangy, bluesy guitar riff...and that's awesome since this song gets by until something so horribly goes wrong I had to deduct half a star for its horribleness!  But I'm getting ahead of myself a bit.  The problem is already evident in that it's really about nothing but music is awesome.  There's obvious fun in this but that fun never quite reaches the listener.  The lyrics are insipid and forgettable, the back-up vocals are annoying and Seagal's voice just flat-out breaks.  None of this gets in the way of the awesome guitar riff but then the horrible thing happened...RAPPING!  No, don't be alarmed, it's not Seagal rapping for that would be awesome.  It's just some guy I don't know and since I have the album without real liner notes, I never will.  Anyways, he's loud, he's obnoxious and I just wanted to Seagal to break his neck so he could take over...also, the guitar riff goes away completely during the rap.  It was never going to be a good song without the rap, but it was going to be fun...not anymore.

4.  Better Man(**1/2/****) -Bad new guys, Seagal isn't covering Pearl Jam here.  In fact we get the opposite message from Seagal.  Pearl Jam was an abused woman who couldn't get out of her relationship since she couldn't find a better man.  Seagal's is about how his woman deserves better and he will actually help her find a better man.  As for the song itself, while "Don't You Cry" was pretty much wuss-rock, it was amazing wuss-rock but here, it's wussiness dominates the music.  Everything sounds so sad and while it may sound like a sad song at first, but it's really about accepting your faults and mistakes and trying to learn from them.  But even then, everything sounds so mournful and sad that the song doesn't really work as well it should.  I mean, it's a decent song but it's not a good one.

5.  Route 23(***1/2/****) -In all the other songs, you've heard Steven Seagal the singer and Steven Seagal the guy who should've broken that rapper's neck but didn't.  This time, you're going to hear Steven Seagal, the blues guitarist...playing the blues!  And he's actually pretty good playing the blues.  This pretty much exists for Seagal to solo for four and a half minutes.  Granted, there's lyrics in them but they're so inconsequential that it doesn't matter.  As for Seagal's guitar work, while it is pretty basic in how the solo's constructed with little regard of scales and dynamics, it is pretty good in its limited way.  You do get Seagal's sincerity and it does seem that every note belongs in this and if you took one note away, the whole thing would just fall apart.

6.  My God(****/****) -This is the Steven Seagal song I've been waiting for!  A song about Seagal kicking your ass and breaking your neck.  Oh sure, Seagal doesn't want to fight saying that his God won't let him and he's better than your God, but how many of his movies seem to follow that same path only for Seagal to go ona wild neck-breaking spree....a lot, that's how many.  As for the music itself, it's pretty damn rocking with a great fast-paced beat and a fast riff combined with a great vocal hook with "My God is better than your God."  Then, the biggest surprise comes in during the breakdown where you hear the wail of a harmonica....played by Stevie Wonder!  That Stevie Wonder...that guy who's blind Stevie Wonder!  And it's awesome in it's weirdness and how it combines two things that shouldn't be combined but were anyways.  It's obviously the best song on the album.

7.  Lollipop(**1/2/****) -More bad news, this isn't a cover of Lil Wayne's "Lollipop" but it is a cover from the 50's from some guy and chick and that chick group who sang "Mr. Sandman".  After listening to this, I wish it was a cover of Lil Wayne's song.  I mean Seagal singing "My girl lollipop" over a fun reggae beat is hilarious, even more hilarious than that time he blew up a helicopter with a standard-issued police handgun in Exit Wounds.  And it would be a good song if Seagal was alone in the vocal department, as you can guess we have some guy who's pretty much a tenth-rate Lil' Jon with crappy raps and crappier additions.  He's in about 40% of the song which almost makes Seagal a featured artist on his own damn song!  It's a fun song, but that other guy ruins it.

8.  Not for Sale(**/****) - Here's the cliff notes for this song, Steven Seagal is NOT for sale!  It takes almost five minutes for Seagal to say that.  But I have nice things to say about it, the guitar solo in this is actually pretty cool and the opening drum riff is extremely awesome.  But on the other hand, the lyrics are extremely repetitive, the other parts of the music is pretty boring and it is pretty forgettable.  This song is obviously filler so let's move on.

9.  Dance(*/****) -This isn't a song!  It's a graveyard of broken necks for everything!  First off, Seagal breaks Suspension of Disbelief's neck with the fact that's he wants us to believe he can seduce a woman...sexually.  He breaks the melody's neck with some perversion of Arabian-Nights-esque sounds where it literally sounds broken and tortured.  He breaks his own tongue's neck since his vocals are so low in the mix that he's barely audible.  He breaks the ability to speak french's neck since his french is horrible.  It's like Seagal went neck-break crazy and took it out on this song.  Also, he's trying to seduce a woman SEXUALLY!  Nothing about this song is good in any way.

10. Jealousy(1/2*/****) -Just my luck, there's a song that's even worse from than Dance!  It's an obvious and pathetic attempt on how the media is bad and you can't believe the tabloids and blah blah blah.  The music is weak and just plods along despite some brief moments of nice soloing.  But this song has two fatal flaws which earns my hate.  There's a couple spoken word-segments where Seagal is trying to take the paparazzi to task and the paparazzi is all like "Freedom of speech!  Fifth Amendment baby"......no, you dumb slut it's THE FIRST AMENDMENT!  The fifth amendment is you can not answer questions that may incriminate you!  And what's worse, that slut is played by Lady Saw.  You may know her as that chick from Vitamin C's "Smile" in which she ruined an alright pop song or No Doubt's "Underneath it All" in which she was smart enough to keep her mouth shut most of the time.  Then she raps, and again I wonder why Seagal lets them live with non-broken necks.  She's annoying, her lyrics are stupid and her voice makes me want to kill something.  Things can't get any worse.

11. War(*/****) -More bad news but I think you've seen this coming, this isn't a cover of Edwin Starr's "War".  This time, I don't wish he done the cover since I shudder to think how he would have butcher it.  What should have been a blues song or even a wuss-rock song is inexplicably a reggae song.  The music, once again, is confused and scared as it tries its best to do reggae beats.  Seagal is unable to sing the high pitch that he wants to sing.  The lyrics are even MORE obvious than ever before.  The tenth-rate Lil' Jon is rapping even worse.  But hey, it's at least better than "Jealousy".

12. Strut(*/****) -It's another reggae song with Lady Saw....what do you think my opinion is?

13. Goree(**1/2/****) -Oh praise Jesus, it's not reggae!  We don't have to listen to horrible ska beats, that tenth-rate Lil Jon or Lady Saw!  Seagal's free to make music that doesn't suck......unfortunately he forgets about making a good song.  Now don't get me wrong, it's certainly a relaxing song  but six minutes is pushing it, especially since Seagal doesn't seem to be singing English in this one.  Or if he is, he's doing a horrible job at singing it.  But whatever, it's not reggae and it's Lady Saw-less, I'll take it.

14. The Light(**1/2/****) -It seems like that Seagal is trying to bookend the album with the easy-going "Girl, It's Alright" and the easy-going "The Light".  It doesn't get up there with "Girl" but it is a good try.  There's a nice beat to it and there's some good chanting going on.  It's not that it's a bad song, it's just not as good.

I got to admit, the first half of the album was pretty damn good despite "Music".  But once you "Lollipop" ends, you're kind of screwed since it abandons its bluesy roots to go for reggae and world music which leads to many songs that should be considered failed abortions...yeah, I went too far but Steven Seagal ruining two perfectly good country's musical styles would do that to me.  Ah well, there's always Mojo Priest to look forward to.