Kanye West's Runaway

(NOTE: As much as I like having PG-rated posts...this is not going to be one of them.  I don't think "Good Golly Gosh" is going to cut it here.  Also, I shoudln't have to say this but just in case, Kanye doesn't say any robot-isms in it.)

Only Kanye West could make this. Only he could fill it with explosions, garish colors, him fucking a phoenix girl, pretentious dialogue written by Hype Williams who gave us his crime against humanity Belly and random ballerina dancing. And only he could make this work!  So let's take a ride into the journey of Kanye West's Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.  This is going to be a long journey though, so you might want to bring a lunch.

So we begin in a forest where Kanye West...or Griffin has Wikipedia says it, but who cares he's never named in the film itself, running with his shirt unbuttoned showing off his manly chest while I vomit in disgust.  Let's face it, he was never cut or even that muscular...but he did let himself go if you compare that to the "Stronger" video.  But he's running and the title card pops up, which you can see at the top of this entry.  Now we go back in time to where there's this meteorite that crashes through the sky and is on track to crash into a forest.  The very same forest Kanye just drove his fancy car in.  And he's driving...and driving...and driving some more.  Every so often, it cuts to some deer in slow-motion during deer stuff.

Eventually, the meteorite and the car collide as they must for some reason.  And when I say collide, I mean that meteorite just straights up hits Kanye's car.  Some parts of it are on fire...as is the some parts of the forest!  But Kanye walks away like nothing happened to him.  And after how death just missed his ass at the car accident which was the basis of "Through the Wire", he just figures that death will always just miss his ass in car accidents.  Anyways, he walks towards the meteorite but it's not a meteorite at all!  It's a girl...with feathers, like some sort of horrible Phoenix/Girl thingy.  But he picks her up and walks away...from a massive explosion so massive that it would make The Marine say "Dude...too much.".  And yes, he doesn't look at it but with a explosion that massive it would probably cause blindness or something.

Now, we're at Kanye's house as the Phoenix-Girl regains conscience and there's a news report over the fires that happened...I think.  The newscaster chick was like Swedish or German or one of those European languages that isn't French.  As Phoenix-Girl gets closer and tries to watch TV, it shuts off but in the fancy way in that it's like a black window being shut!  She cowers in fear, as she should, since it was Kanye that turned the TV off and here he does some acting.  It's also revealed that he's a robot.  Fine, not really but he has the acting ability of one and he's probably the worst rapper turned actor.  And I've seen Nas and Ja Rule act.  But anyways, here's what he says:

Kanye-bot: First rule of this world baby.  Don't pay attention to anything you see on the news.

NOOOOO!  Phoenix-girl wasn't scared because the news was on, she probably thought that the television was witchcraft or something.  I should know since I'm terrified of witchcraft and I firmly believe that all modern technology is run by it so I know her pain.  It's a Patrick Stergos fact, look it up.  But the point is who knows where she came from but I doubt there's televisions in her world.  And this isn't even the time to say that, she needs something comforting and reassuring not this "Don't believe the news" crap.  Why hasn't someone made Hype Williams illiterate yet?!  Oh, we cut to a massive explosion.

Then it's WACKY HIJINKS time as Phoenix-Girl explores the backyard finding a deer, a bunny and possibly a sheep.  During the meantime, Kanye watches her with his robot eyes since he doesn't the program for love.  But I predict that he'll find and download it!  But after frolicking time is over, Kanye decides to mess with some drum machine/sampler where he plays with the "Woah-hey" part of "Power" as Phoenix-Girl dances.  Moving on.

The Kanye-bot, still struggling to understand human love with it's non-human female, takes Phoenix-Girl to a marching band and fireworks show.  I guess it's pretty and there's even a big-ass bust of Michael Jackson.  For some reason, it's the white Michael Jackson with his girly mouth that was really creepy.  But Kanye and Phoenix-Girl so that must mean they fallen in love!  But Kanye hasn't downloaded the emotion of love yet nor has there been any evidence that he has done so, therefore I remain unconvinced.  Then it's over and there's another massive explosion.

Now Phoenix-Girl is playing around with some teacup but this isn't any type of playing around.  It's learning time dammit as Kanye watches her like a hawk...heh heh, clever.  But no time to laugh and feel self-important for he's watching her to see if she's going to make a mistake and any mistake she makes will face consequences.  In the form of Robot Laser Eyes!  Unfortunately, he deemed her interaction with a teacup acceptable so we're Robot Laser Eyes-less.  But what was the point of this exercise?  FANCY DINNER PARTY in some weird dystopian future.  It's taking place in some sort of warehouse that's populated by a table and it's placings & a piano hanging around.  There's also some white guys who look like they were Logan's Run rejects.  Anyways, Kanye has taken the Phoenix-Girl there and of course people are taken aback.  They're pointing and whispering and rejecting her attempts to make friends.  Then some guy turns to Kanye and says the most hilarious thing.

Black Guy: You girl is really beautiful.
Kanye-bot: Ha...thank you....beep boop.
Black Guy: Do you know that she's a bird?
Kanye-bot:  No, my robot programming was unable to notice that she's a bird...beep beep.

While Kanye hasn't downloaded love yet, he has now downloaded anger and he's about to showcase it in song!  He walks to the piano and somehow scores of ballerinas in black tutus come running in.  Of course there's the question of where did they come and why do they run like ostriches from but I think the time for logic in this has long been dead.  Anyways, they come and dance in weird, lifeless dance that's somewhat creepy.  And this is the centerpiece of the film like how Michael Jackson's Moonwalker was basically an excuse to make Smooth Criminal into the centerpiece of that.  I think it's the only song on the album that's presented in full and that includes vocoder solo at the end where the lead ballerinas do solo dances and dance like people instead of robots.  This is also includes a few instance of booty shaking to my approval.  But on a side note, how do ballerina's dance on their tippy toes.  I just want to cringe when they showed a close-up of that.

Anyways the song is over and the ballerinas run off to where they came from, still running like ostriches, and dinner is now served.  The main dish is turkey!  And then more turkey!  Then some turkey with a few feathers in it...which is worrisome.  Then they put a turkey in front of Phoenix-Girl.  A turkey that has all of it's feathers, it's beak and it's eyes and it still looks like a turkey.  In fact, it looks pretty intact leading to questions on how it was killed and if it was just thrown into a oven as is and people hoped for the best.  This freaks Phoenix-Girl out as she should be.  That's unsanitary and the health inspector would open all kinds of whoop-ass if they were ever to find out.  But anyways, she screams and her screams are so shrill that causes physical pain to all who hear it.  Even Kanye but I think he didn't want to look out of place since he doesn't understand the human sensation known as pain but he now understands embarrassment.  Also, it cuts to another massive explosion.

It's back at home where Phoenix-Girl is all dejected over what happened to the dinner party and Kanye is still looking at her, very creepy like.  But night falls and her & Kanye have a heart-to-heart talk:

Phoenix-Girl: Can I ask you a question?
Kanye-bot: Affirmative...beep.
Phoenix-Girl: All of the statues that we see, where do you think they came from?
Kanye-bot: My memory banks state that artists carved them years and years ag..
Phoenix-Girl: NO!  They are phoenix turned to stone.
Kanye-bot: HA HA...you are...
Phoenix-Girl: They are phoenix turned to stone!  Do you know what I hate most about your world?  Anything that is different you try to change.  You try to tear it down.  You rip the wings of a phoenix and they turned to stone.  And if I don't burn, then I will turn to stone.
Kanye-bot: My programming has no definition of you being burned...beep beep.
Phoenix-Girl: If I don't burn then I can't come back to my world.
Kanye-bot: I do not want you to go back to your world...boop.  I require you stay with me...beep boop.
Phoenix-Girl: I have to burn.
Kanye-bot: NEGATIVE!  I will never let you burn....boop boop.

..........................
...........................
...................................
.......................................

FUCK YOU HYPE WILLIAMS!  FUCK YOU PRETENTIOUS AS SHIT DIALOGUE!  FUCK YOU CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY WHEN YOU TRY TO WRITE OR MAKE MOVIES!  FUCK YOUR STUPID SOUNDING DIALOGUE TOO!  I may be making a mountain out of a molehill and I may have it out for Hype Williams but I think I have a damn good reason for having it out.  The man just can't write!  The only thing he could do is make music videos in which there's no such thing as acting or extensive dialogue.  At least Kanye was smart enough to direct it, salvaging some things...or his ego is just that big and this time it actually worked for him.

Anyways, Kanye has finally downloaded the human emotion of love and he shows this emotion by putting his robot-penis into Phoenix-Girl's phoenix-gina...or in human terms, they have SSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!  And apparently they have sex right through Kanye's clothes and Phoenix-Girl's protective feather.  And it has an orgasm so powerful that it causes yet another massive explosion.  And so active that Kanye wakes up on the roof to find her gone.  Now it's a mad dash through the forest to try to find her but it's too late, you see she has already burn.  She now flies across the land donning a golden breast-plate for some reason and so the short ends with Kanye running with his shirt alternatively tucked in and out.

And yes, with all the fun I had making fun of this I do like it.  The camerawork, cinematography and the colors are filled with competent and makes a great visual feast.  The only thing I didn't like is the dialogue but that's Hype Williams fault since he can't do dialogue to save his life.  While Kanye may be the abomination of Obama's nation, he still has it in him.  And it does work as an elongated music video but how's the music you may ask?  That's next week.