Year 24 - A reflective

24 started off rocky as hell. Within a months time I was laid off and bused myself back to Indiana under a sleep pill haze traveling two days through new states, remembering being offered Speed in Vegas, seeing one end an entire small town from it's bus station in Colorado, seeing a Pink Fountain in St. Louis, all the while I traveled with a guy my age who went out there to purposely live as a hobo, got into a fight, got stabbed, and now walked with a cane. I can't remember his name.

Needless to say I thought I was already at a low point in my life. But it only had gotten worse.

I returned to a job I had before, and aside from a few new faces, and a lot of missing ones, nothing had changed. It was the same.

Then the depression hit.

I couldn;t remember the last time I was so depressed. I thought about life, death, the future, the past, all of it. Every day was a war in my mind. Some days I would be okay, others I barely got out of bed. It was the end, that was for sure. I had no motivation, no life, career, just debt and the whimsical fantasies of my head.

But I have one word for this year, despite this start: Regeneration.

I was turned on by Doctor Who by my close friends in California. The basic ides of Time Lords is that they can regenerate upon being close to death. Their memories remained, but they were reborn a new person. Commonalities existed, but they had difference ways to go things, to see things, reactions to things.

I needed one badly. I was dying. I was fighting a losing war, some days could have been the last. I had been defeated and wasn't getting up.

Then somewhere along the line I had a dream, and made a choice. I don't remember the particulars anymore, but it was a conversation with myself. I decided it was time to restart, rebuild, and live again.

It wasn't an instant change. It was slow, over the course of months. I began work on the Blog Stories of the Sleepless mind, and returned to work on a novel project I had set aside for months, unable to face it. I found people sane who took me in and accepted me, and slowly the process changed me. I've found some idea of religion this year. I always had been in the gray area for this, but I see why people find themselves healed with Christ's love. It allowed me the confidence to start anew and begin again. I didn't have the same interests as before, no, though some of the core ones remained, I found myself taking some new directions, new attitudes, and did my best to suck the poison from the body.

I'm not perfect. No one is. Everyone has disappointments and failures sometime in their life. Despite my roller coaster life, I have remained the tree, steadfast and unswayed. I regained myself little by little, rediscovering old things and new. Discovering things I really wanted to do, and found a voice again.

I think it's safe to say I have returned to a level field, and actually have risen above that now. Things are improving. Slowly. The last shred of my teenager/college years have left me with a sense of ironic freedom. The old car that carried me so far, couldn't carry me any longer without fear of collapse. Like old ways of thinking, I had to do the same to those attitudes and emotions, so that I would not do the same.

One day I will start my life out again. on my own. The world had changed while I was gone in my mind, remaining steadfast in my original ambitions that were outdated and really not for me. I've had time to sort out the some of the disaster that has plagued me.

Friends are great, near and far, but sooner or later circumstances will forces you to make choice that might take them to an unreachable place. One cannot let yourself be depressed over the distance. Instead, rejoice their success, their lives, their changes, that lives continues! Do not be boged down with sorry, anger,anguish, remorse that you cannot be there all the time. If you matter to them, and they matter to you, you will maintain your relationship with them. Nothing, nobody but yourself can break that.

Time moves on, no matter how much we try to stop it. All you can do is go with the flow, and do your best.

I've been turning to my own judgment and experience more and more. Not being so reliant on others. The waiting kills, and I'm tired of it. I look to act this year on revived ambitions that I have put off. It may not happen right away, if they are to come to pass. But I've rededicated myself to my craft, though it is not in the same way as before. I work to cleanse and purge my life of ugly things, useless things, and weights on my shoulders that need not be there.

I have regenerated. Some fresh perspective and fresh drive. The freedom to go do what I seek to do without worrying about others, cause I know they will be there, maybe not all the time, but they are there.

I look not to be arrogant, but to be wise. I want to pass on something to the people I meet, something that changes them forever. Even if they forget me, they won;t entirely because of the lesson that will remain.

Year 25 is on it's way. It's already starting to look up from 24. Doors shall open, and I'll be stepping through one or two.